Knit Baby Blanket
PART TWO
As I embarked on my last trip with the bitter news that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, I felt numb. I felt like I was living that scene in a movie where I was static in front of the frame, frozen, and the world around me was rushing ahead, moving forward, and on. It was so painful to know the promise I had been holding on to, looking forward to, would be delayed, again.
I went from doctor appointments to doctor appointments in a familiar fog. I had been here before. I spoke with surgeons, oncologists, and radiation oncologists ad nauseam. When I asked about how this would effect having a baby, my oncologists would ask if I had taken steps to preserve my eggs. They would show excitement in their eyes and tell me they were thrilled with my “numbers”, but the words from my fertility specialist haunted me — you don’t have enough.
There was a cold sweat that came over me, I became stressed at the thought, did I have enough?
In a very fucked up way, I felt grateful that my first diagnosis was already in the midst of the fertility process. I cannot imagine receiving this diagnosis and then having to think about preserving your fertility. My heart goes out to you if it has. Just the phone calls to the nurses and the financial department, made my blood pressure go up and reminded me — I had had enough of this process and I had enough.
I searched for answers. I searched for some resolve. I searched for healing. When I realized I would have to do chemotherapy treatments, I decided I was going to knit through my grief and knit a blanket for my future child. I reached out to a friend of mine who has knit beautiful baby blankets for all of our friends’ kids and she sent me some ideas.
I selected an easy baby blanket not knowing how much brain power I would have in the infusion chair. I realized quickly that it was too hard to focus with the Benadryl and Zofran coursing through my body. However, on the days that I was feeling better I would curl up with my pup, put on a trashy TV show, and knit. I savored these moments and days — there was a sense of peace, a sense of hope, and a sense of resolve.
I cast off the last stitches as I learned that I had no residual cancer cells, my body had taken to the chemotherapy treatment. I felt a sense of calm wash over me knowing that this piece of my treatment was done, the blanket was ready, and the future felt a little bit brighter. I will remain cautiously optimistic that a year from now I will be able to get pregnant and in two years from now, I will remain ever hopeful that I get to wrap my beautiful baby up in this blanket.
For now, it will be folded neatly and packed away safely, patiently waiting for the right time.
Want to knit your own baby blanket? Purl Soho has a ton of great patterns. If you are new to knitting they have a great collection of how-to video tutorials, as well.
If you have been diagnosed with cancer and are planning to go through CCRM for any fertility services, they offer 25% off Fertility Treatments with their Oncofertility discount. Be sure to ask about it because they do not provide this information readily.