Knit Baby Blanket
PART ONE
I have always wanted to be a mother. I can remember the first time it sunk in—I was in middle school and there was a parent/teacher function where, we, the older kids, were tasked with watching the younger ones while they met. A tiny baby girl was placed in my arms and in that moment, holding this precious sleeping child, I looked forward to the day when I would hold my own baby.
My life has taken several twists and turns since that moment and has rarely gone according to the vision I saw when I was 12 years old. There have been beautiful things that I never imagined would happen and dreams that I have let go, but my desire to have my own child has never waivered.
In the summer of 2022, I decided that I was going to go through the process of preserving my eggs. As I began to go through the IVF process, my primary care physician recommended that I get a mammogram, earlier than forty, because of my family history with breast cancer. The earliest I could get in for a mammogram was at the end of September, I scheduled the appointment and thought very little of it.
That year was my busiest year since starting my own business — the summer was full of concerts, project openings, work travel, board meetings, and I would get COVID for the first time which would impact my first egg retrieval. Despite being four weeks past the initial symptoms, and without any lingering, and after a week of giving myself fertility shots, the retrieval was cancelled because I was still testing positive. So much has happened since that time, but it is amazing to remember the protocols we all had to follow then and have seemingly so quickly gone away.
The setback really took its toll on me emotionally. I was pumped with hormone drugs, I was emotionally distraught on having to go through this alone, and I was taking on a huge financial responsibility especially as a single, self-employed business owner with limited health insurance options. And yet, I powered on. My retrieval was rescheduled to September and I would get enough “numbers” for almost one child and I would be told if I wanted a full one or even two, I would need to do another retrieval.
Three weeks later, I would have the mammogram that changed my life and my follow-up appointment with the fertility specialist.
I would move from doctor appointment to doctor appointment in a fog. How was this happening to me? Why was this happening to me? I had big plans, I had a vision, I was in the midst of planning my future… instead I was now struggling with what treatment I was going to pick and asking my surgeon to write me a letter so I could get my second retrieval done before I started any treatments. It was chaotic. It was stressful. My second retrieval gave me good “numbers” again, and yet, despite what I was told at the beginning of the IVF process it still wasn’t enough for the fertility specialist, but it would have to be enough.
If it wasn’t for the foresight of my primary care physician, I would be in a very different place right now. She saved my life. I had no indication that anything was wrong. I did not feel a lump. I did not feel sick. I will forever be grateful for her.
My oncologist told me after my mastectomy, which promised a clear pathology, I would need to wait a full year before I could get pregnant. In the year that followed, I started to dream about what all this meant. I let go of my 12-year-old vision to have a nuclear family, it did not seem to be in the cards and I made plans to become a single mother by choice. I would embark on three months of travel and respite, my Eat, Pray, Love moment, and when I returned I would start the process of becoming a mother.
That timing would not be in the cards for me either…
In the months after starting chemotherapy, I learned about a few opportunities for grants, financial aid, and discounts for the fertility process with a cancer diagnosis.
Polite Tumor
Chick Mission
Baby Quest
CCRM
Alto
Walgreens
If you know of any other opportunities, please share. There is power in knowledge.